Breaking the silence / das Schweigen brechen:
I’m kind of stuck in a paradox, since they constricted my belly at a surgery, when I was 5 years old. I am suffering all the time, but every time I tell about it, they think it’s something that can heel. The truth is, this constriction is so strong, that I almost killed myself because this mutilated belly forces me to behave very strange and people think this strange behaving person is me, that this caricature of a human being is my personality. That I just like it that way.
I resign and give up. I will never work as Architect again, until this belly-wall is not examined and repaired. I have been good at this profession and it is one of my passions. I could work in that domain, as I could work in any other profession, where you have to sit, as long as I stuck to a rigid diet and eat only vegetarian for lunch and drink no alcohol and eat no additional sugar. If I don’t comply to this diet, I get problems with my belly.
The form of my inner bellywall has been mutilated by this surgery, so that the organs don’t have enough space and the constricted space is very uncomfortable for them shaped like an hourglass and not round as it should be.) Sitting and digesting at the same time does not function well.
I found out, that when I keep this rigid diet it kind of works. This was my chance in the last 3 years, to show, that I can work and what I am able to do with a functioning digestion.
If I don’t keep the diet, I get very very sleepy after each meal and my brain doesn’t work properly and I would have to stand up and move around and wait, but that is not possible having a sitting job. If I don’t keep the low alcohol and low sugar diet, I get grave uveitis, which is an inflammation of the eyes. (I’ve got treated for uveitis with expensive medication from 2007-2018). When I don‘t have a sitting job, I can drink alcohol but the uveitis always looms and the veils in the eyes get stronger when, the digestion is not working properly. Which is always the case.
I constantly have to take care that the guts are not too full. When they are full they compress the bladder constantly, so the bladder is very small for some hours. I pissed myself very often from childhood on. I avoided events, excursions, etc., where a normal bladder is affordable, which I didn’t have (actually it is normal, when not compressed). Now for years I am just aware of the shared space and I know, when the belly is full, I maybe have to go every 5 minutes for a while. I am mostly with people who respect this
Every night I wake up once at 3,4 or 5 cause my digestion comes to an hold. I have dry eyes, dry mouth, I feel the constriction like an internal ring of wire sometimes hurting sometimes just very uncomfortable. I drink a glass of water, take a piss, and move around to start the digestion again.
This is my life in the so called „normal phase“.
The belly-system can snap. There is no psychic trigger and it cannot be undone. After the system snapped, it takes half a year of suffering and liquid feeding and pain pain pain and sleeplessness, weight loss and weight gain till the old system and order of the guts is been established again.
I stopped talking to doctors about my „normal“ problems in the „normal“ phase, cause it made no sense to whine about things, that are always there and they don‘t understand. And really I know what they tell me: here are some globuli, it is psychic, you have to trust, this symptoms have no organic cause, you try to hard, you don‘t even try, …
So I only went to the doctors in the time, after the belly had snapped. They looked at me with great eyes and made some standard-examinations but thought, that I am mentally ill and should not occupy beds in the hospital or waist money. And they didn‘t look further. Never did they make a laparoscopy to watch if there is a constriction.
These incidents (belly snapping) happened to me at least 3 times in my life: 1988, 1996, 2019.
I have to say, that in the last „normal“ phase of 23 years, I almost forgot how ugly this other side of the coin, this insane phase is. I had hard times in these years, I almost got blind. Couldn’t read with one I or the other. They talked about cutting and clearing the eyeballs out. … This is all nothing, compared to the pain and the ugly feelings when your guts get choked by this constriction for months and intestinal flow is interrupted and you sweat, you can‘t sleep and you try to make yourself heard and nobody is listening or taking you serious, till they treat you as a simulator and send you home and tell you to come back, when it is bad again…
I went to the Chirugie at the LKH Graz twice in December 2019. It is not easy to get a hospital bed there. I went there to get the laparoscopy done. They made some examinations (same as 1996) very thoroughly, but they didn‘t listen to me. I said, that my abdominal wall is constricted internally. That is what I feel every day and, that my guts snapped and therefore it cannot be a problem in the organs, because they worked fine the day before the incident at August 24th 2019. The day that was planned for the laparoscopy, the surgeon in charge said: Mr., I don‘t to this laparoscopy, for sure!
Later the head of the clinic took over. I was frightened, that they won‘t make the laparoscopy, which I hoped for in the Last painful 3 months. So I only told him about the symptoms and tried to appear very calm and not psychotic.
I didn‘t dare to talk about my reasonable suspicion that I have been mutilated when I was 5 years old, cause I didn‘t want to risk being rejected again and I wanted this laparoscopy to be performed.
They sent me home without this laparoscopic exploration with symptoms, they didn’t believe to be serious or of physical origin. – I was desperate. I quit my job as office manager and chief designer at an Architectural office (I finished everything properly) and waited, till the organs in the belly went back to „normal“. Now, March 23rd, I can say I am back to „normal“. And now I tell my story and I get this laparoscopy and I get my belly restored and I will never suffer in silence again. – I swore it, to the 5 year old boy, who didn‘t know, why suddenly life was hurtful and ugly to him and sicknesses never heeled and he cried after meals and cried in front of the class and pissed himself and became shyer and shyer until he didn’t almost speak anymore and became the strange Konrad.
6:00 Ich bin Wissenschaftler und werde es immer bleiben. Kein Voodoo-Glaube, Globuli, oder Homöopathie hat mich da rein gebracht in die Misere und nichts davon wird mich herausbringen. Es wird nie von selbst aufhören. Das kann ich sagen nach 46 Jahren Leiden. #bellyconstriction
Damn, there are so many anti-vaxxers out there. I am so decent not to confront them now (1000 people died of COVID-19 in Italy during 24 hours), but I doubt they learn and become decent themselves. We as society will have to rethink how to treat science deniers & disease-enablers https://t.co/YT42Rb4WnD
#uveitis #veils are here again. I have to get my digestion going. Each night I wake up with #dryeyes & #drymouth & my digestion is inhibited/hindered by the #bellyconstriction a #failsurgery performed during a navel-surgery when I was 5 years old. #childmutilation #surgicalassult